Kelsey's Miscarriage: Heartbroken but Healing

No, please check again," I felt myself repeating in my mind when the nurse delivered the heartbreaking news.  Instead I found myself in tears telling the nurse, "it's okay."

Those were the only simple words I could muster fearing that I would start sobbing in front of my husband and the nurse.

I went from being probably the happiest girl alive to the most heartbroken girl in the world in just a matter of minutes.

Pregnancy: The Beginning

On September 4th, I took a home pregnancy test.  I wanted to wait for Jordan but couldn't stand the suspense of waiting for him. I just had to know! So I took it. Within seconds I saw a faint line appear which looked to be negative. Another second after that I saw another line appear on top. Sure enough the two lines formed a positive symbol.

Rather then screaming and jumping for joy I sat on my bed feeling like I was about to faint.  I repeated silently to myself, "oh my gosh, I'm pregnant."

What I couldn't believe was how quickly I got pregnant. We got off birth control at the end of July and got pregnant in early August.  I thought we would get pregnant at least five months after. I was in absolute shock and felt like I wasn't ready.

I said a prayer asking Heavenly Father to calm my fears and to help me to get a hold of myself. I asked Him to give me the strength and to help me feel confident and ready to be a mom.  After the prayer I began to feel calm and soon panic turned into pure joy. I was pregnant and about to begin one of the most exciting journeys of my life.

I texted Jordan saying that I had some exciting news to tell him and to call me once he could.  Jordan said to me after he got that text that he had a feeling that I was pregnant. Like me he too was excited but nervous.  It took some time like me but once he got on board he too couldn't wait to be a dad.

Dreaming of Our Future Baby 

Like most people are when they find out their pregnant I began imagining what our son or daughter would look like. I began picking names with Jordan and looking at cute baby clothes.  I would read my Mayo Clinic book on pregnancy almost everyday and watch the TV show, A Baby Story to prepare myself.

I also found myself badly wanting to tell people the exciting news.  At times I found myself almost slipping my exciting news to friends. It was hard handling questions like, "so are you guys wanted to have kids soon?" Or "how is the baby making going?"  Jordan and I would look at each other smiling and say things back about how the baby making was coming along and that we had no baby yet.  It was hard lying but we just wanted to make sure things were going to be okay before we announced our news.

Cards and letters from parents. 

Letter from my brother and sister-in-law 

Miscarriage

Finally the day came when would see our baby for the first time. It was hard going to class in the morning and staying focused. I kept thinking of how I was going to tell the news to our close friends and about what questions to ask our doctor.

When Jordan and I got to Valley OBYN I remembered feeling nauseous and hungry since I had eaten little that day or week.  My pregnancy had been relatively easy besides my sudden loss in appetite.  I had gone from weighing 113 pounds to only 108.  I read losing weight was okay in the beginning but just to be sure I planned to talk about it with my doctor.

Jordan and I found ourselves sitting in the waiting room for a long time. The secretary told us that our doctor was running late due to a baby delivery earlier that morning.  Instead of sitting in the waiting room for another hour we decided to grab a quick bite to eat a McDonald's.  I had been craving chicken nuggets and a mango smoothie so it was nice satisfying my craving and getting food into my empty belly.  Jordan and I spent the hour talking about how we imagined the appointment going. I smiled imagining us both crying when we saw our baby's heartbeat for the first time.

Driving back to Valley OBYN I began feeling doubts that everything wasn't okay.  I dismissed this thought immediately and told myself I had nothing to worry about.  I was perfectly healthy and we would receive only happy news at the appointment.

When we got back our doctor saw us right away.Our doctor was a nice man who seemed to be full of life and energy.  I couldn't believe how awake he was given the fact he had be awake early that morning delivering a baby. We asked a couple of questions to our doctor and he went straight to the ultrasound machine.

My heart was racing.

He put cold jelly on my tummy and pushed down gently with the ultra sound scoop thingy (don't know the exact name for this).  I saw on a screen next to me an image that appeared to looked like my uterus. Everything on the screen was grey and black.  I had no idea what I was looking at.  He pushed down harder and harder. I asked if he could see anything yet.  He said he could see my uterus and that he could see a small amniotic sac.

The doctor informed me that I had a titled back uterus which 1/3 of women had. Since my uterus was more titled back it was making it harder to see the baby.  He said he would try one more time and that if he didn't see the baby that he would have me go to another ultrasound technician and have her use more advanced equipment.  He tried again and still no luck.

He then left the room to inform the technician that I would be arriving to her shortly.  The doctor told me to get dressed and that everything that was happening was perfectly normal. When the doctor left I looked wide eyed at Jordan and asked if he was worried.  Shaking his head he said no and that everything would be okay.

We then went down a long hallway to the advanced ultra sound room there was a huge 40 inch screen television and the ultra sound machine was bigger and newer looking. I laid down and the technician proceeded to put warm jelly on my tummy.  The room grew silent and the nurse pressed down harder with the ultra sound scope.  Still no luck.  "I'm sorry but it looks like we'll have to do a vaginal ultrasound," the nurse said.

I was a bit surprised and dreaded having to have a vaginal ultrasound done. It was probably one of the most painful things I experienced. I was uncomfortable the entire time.  Finally she saw the baby.  Looking closer I saw a black shape appear on the screen. The black object which looked like a banana surprised me.  I asked the nurse if the black banana shape object was my uterus.  She shook her head no proceeded to tell me that it was the babies amniotic sac.

The nurse then grew very silent.  In the middle of this black banana was a grey small object.  She zoomed in and I could see our baby.  I had seen pictures of people's ultrasounds before and none of them looked like mine.  I also noticed how quiet the nurse was and knew something wasn't right.  Finally the nurse broke the silence and said, "I'm so sorry but there isn't a heartbeat."  I looked at her shocked with tears at the corners of my eye's.  All I could say back was "it's okay."

As I was saying, "it's okay," I felt numb.  The words there was no heartbeat didn't register.  Jordan when hearing the news of there was no heartbeat couldn't look at me.  I asked later why he didn't and he said that he knew if he looked at me that he would cry.  When the nurse left to give us our space Jordan and I held each other and cried. Not wanting people to see me cry more I decided that I needed to get dressed and see the doctor.

Looking back I wish I would have cried some more.

I left the room with Jordan and went into the room where the doctor would be.  The doctor walked in soon after we did and said that he was sorry to break the bad news but that we indeed had a miscarriage.  I asked if there was a chance that the baby was still alive.  The doctor sensing that I was in denial explained how the banana shaped amniotic sac was a sign that things weren't alright. He also asked if we both were LDS. We said that we both were and he proceeded to say that he was LDS too and that he didn't feel comfortable expelling a pregnancy unless he was 100% that the baby wasn't living.

He then told us what options we had.  He told us we didn't have to make a decision that day and that we needed time to be together to grieve.

As I was walking out I avoided eye contact with anyone in fear I would cry.  As soon as I got in the car I began to cry.  When we got home to our apartment I made sure not to cry until we reached our apartment. Jordan and I both cried for hours.  I had classes that day and ended up skipping all of them to grieve.

Below is a picture of my ultra sound.

Surgery

I decided a couple days after I found out the news that I would have the surgery.  I didn't want to be at work or school when my body decided to pass the fetus.  I found out Tuesday about my miscarriage and went in that Friday for the surgery.

Not many people know but I have a strong phobia of needles.  I was terrified more about the needles than the surgery itself.  The staff at the Utah Valley Hospital Outpatient Center was amazing! They were super friendly and took good care of me. My last memory before the surgery was kissing Jordan goodbye and having piles of warm blankets put on top of me.

After the surgery the nurses gave me jello, crackers and vanilla cookies.  I was in heaven. Not having eaten all day and it being 3 p.m. I was starving! Jello never tasted so good.  The surgery went well and was relatively painless. I left around 4 and fell asleep for most of the day.

I had only heard from women what a miscarriage was like. Though listening to stories and hearing how hard a miscarriage is I still felt totally unprepared.  No one can prepare you for the day you find out your baby doesn't have a heartbeat.

Recovery 

The next morning after the surgery I woke up early to use the restroom.  After getting up I found myself in the bathroom feeling very sick.  I called Jordan's name and asked if he could come help me. When I looked at myself in the mirror I was so pale.

When I went back to bed I experienced the worse cramps of my life. I asked Jordan to give me my pain medicine.  I had to eat something first so I ate as many crackers as I could.  When I took the medicine the pain went away within minutes.  I quickly went back to bed and woke up at 11 a.m.  Besides that one day of pain the rest of the week was pretty easy.  I ended up not going to work on Monday and missing classes on Tuesday until the bleeding and cramping stopped.

For the first couple of weeks I closed myself off from everyone.  I couldn't stand the pain and didn't want people to feel sorry for me.  After the miscarriage I felt completely numb.

I decided early on to not share what happened.  However, I regret not telling more people.  Not sharing my experience prolonged my grieving.  My one advice to those who experience a miscarriage is to share what happened to your friends and family. They can help you the most to get through the pain.

Future

We hope someday to get pregnant again soon.  I pray that the Lord will bless my husband and I with a healthy baby someday.I know we need to be patient and that the Lord will know when the right time is for us.

Having it All: Balancing Marriage and a Baby

Everyone knows that a baby brings change to your lives. People are always telling newlyweds and young people this. But they do not always talk about the change that a baby brings to your marriage. And really, that is what young couples need to hear about. Because anyone can predict the sleepless nights and messiness that is imminent with a new infant, but not everyone expects the changes that will inevitably come to your marriage.

There is always the question of how you and your spouse will raise your new child. Everyone has a different upbringing and that will certainly play a role in how you choose to raise your baby. Usually a healthy mixture of the two styles your parents used (mixed in with things they never tried) will result in a solution that everyone can be satisfied with. Hopefully you both have some inkling of what the other person feels is the "right way" to raise a child (if there was a "right way," which I do not believe there is). If you are single or dating or engaged, make sure you talk to the other person about this before getting married. I can assure you that you will be better off knowing what you are getting into before you are in the thick of it. Regardless of whether you have ironed out these details or not, there is always time to figure it out, and believe me, you will--whether you do so happily or not is up to you. Then, there is still the matter of your relationship with your spouse.

I wish I could blame the issues that arrive with a new baby on one person. I wish I could just say something like, "it's the wife's problem" or "husband's are responsible for the changes that come with a newborn," but reality has other ideas. If one person were to blame, things would be so much easier to fix. I could just direct this post toward husbands or toward wives and then they would read it and know what to do and their marriage would be magically repaired. Alas, we are all humans with our individual agency, which means that we make our own choices, good or bad. And the hard truth is, both of you are to blame. You cannot place the blame on your new baby, though it might be easy to feel that way when he or she is the one keeping you up at nights and preventing you from doing the things you used to do as a couple. Adjusting is a part of marriage and an even bigger part of life. You will learn to adapt to the changes of a growing family and though there will be rocky times, they will help you appreciate the joyful ones even more.

Even though I blog and openly share things about my marriage and life experiences, it does not mean that I do not struggle just as much as the next wife. Though I do not always talk about it (I like to dwell on the positive), my sweet husband and I argue at times. I am impatient. He hates being nagged. When I ask him to help with something or do me a favor, I want it done RIGHT THEN, darn it, not in ten minutes or an hour or tomorrow or worst of all "later," which in my head means probably never. Dalin rarely, rarely asks me for favor. He will say, "Can you please get some water bottles from the grocery store," and I grumble and mutter under my breath because water bottles are heavy and there is nothing I hate more than lugging them all the way to our upstairs apartment from the trunk of our car down the icy sidewalk in the cold. But over time I have learned a few secrets to marital happiness and though the prideful part of me just wants to do whatever my emotions want when I'm angry, my conscience is bigger than my pride. Here are a few things that are important:

1. Put your marriage first. This means after God (who should always come first if you want the most happiness), love your spouse first. Even more than your children.
2. Serve your spouse. It might feel like this is all you do. If you are a stay-at-home mom like me, it can feel like an endless list of small services. But I mean really serve your spouse. Offer to make a special dessert or just do it. Do something with them that he or she likes to do. Shopping, golf, fishing, video games, frisbee, whatever, just take the time to be playful again. This is especially important when you feel upset with him or her. Serving others will change your heart, I swear it. It will feel like the last thing you want to do at first, but if you make an effort to serve your spouse, your attitude will start to turn around faster than you would think. Happens to me every time.
3. Be thankful and appreciative. Even if you feel like they have not helped you at all that day, say thank you. It can be easy to miss all the things your spouse does in secret. I know some days I just want to complain to Dalin about my day but I try to remember that I might not know how his day went at work. Maybe his day was worse than mine. Try to remember that, and be a positive part of his or her day. And fun fact--gratitude actually makes you happier! Try it.
4. Schedule, schedule, schedule. Date nights, family nights, nightly prayer and scripture study, and even intimacy. Don't skip out on the things you love to do. Work, school, church are all priorities, but nothing is more important than your marriage.
5. Have discussions about your future. Remember back when you were engaged or newlyweds and had all sorts of dreams and plans for your future? You may not have vocalized them in a while, but I believe it is an important part of fostering your romance. You need to dream together in order to have something to look forward to on the hard days. Know that the stage you are in will not last forever.
6. Agree to disagree. When it comes to parenting your child and you simply cannot agree on how to raise him or her, try both of your ideas. Let one parent be responsible for their idea and the other for theirs. You may find that compromise is easier after you see how each idea turns out. If one is a complete failure, go with the other or find an alternative that incorporates the best of both. Remember that putting off arguments can give you peace of mind immediately and you may find that the argument seems less important to you later on. Maybe you will have more clarity on the matter. Whatever you do, do NOT allow raising your child to tear you and your spouse apart. Be willing to try their ideas. Remind each other that you both love your child and you are both trying to do what you think is best.
7. Let your child bring you together. Share the responsibilities of raising your son or daughter. While one parent may be more responsible for their upbringing, that does not mean that the other parent is just a roommate. Tell your spouse about the experiences and firsts they have missed and make them feel as though you wish they could have seen it. Do not make them feel guilty for not being "as much" a part of your child's life. If you both enjoy snuggling your baby, do it together. If you both want to try co-sleeping, go for it! But do take nights off. Put the baby in the crib for a nap or the night and be together. Talk like you did when you were dating. Your baby should be a uniting force rather than a dividing one. Remember the reason you had a baby. You are growing your family, and with time, it will get easier.
8. Be organized. Besides making your home life easier and less stressful, this will help you stay focused on the important things when you finally have free time. For example, you will not feel burdened by laundry or dishes or tidying up if there isn't any to do. Instead you can focus on what you want to do--enjoy your spouse and children. Have fun. Play. Do things together.
9. Be happy. Being happy is a choice. It is not an easy one many times, but nonetheless, you can control your attitude. If you need more happiness in your life, try some of these: serve others, express your gratitude, exercise, get enough sleep, go outside. These are all proven ways to increase your happiness. And if you are happy, it will be much easier to encourage that same happiness in your spouse!

What are your ideas for maintaining your marriage with a new baby?
How do you let your little one unify you and your spouse?

Here are some other articles you might find interesting:
Let Parenthood Strengthen Your Marriage
Your Marriage After Baby: Problems and Solutions

Michelle's Birth Story: An All Natural Birth

If you asked me before I got pregnant if I'd consider a natural birth, I would have told you heck no. I grew up in a traditional hospital/doctor/epidural family and my husband's family has a lot more emphasis on the natural/midwife thing. When I got pregnant, I pretty much told my husband I was going to flip out if his family started going off on me about going natural. Funny how things change, right?

When I was about 34ish weeks, Parker and I took a Bradley class and that was the main factor that gave me the thought that maybe I could try going natural. I decided that I would try to do it without an epidural, but I would see how things went and I would be fine if I decided to get one. On the morning of my 38 week appointment, I got up to go to the bathroom and noticed that I lost my mucous plug. (gross, I know.) A little bit after that I went in to the office for my weekly checkup. My doctors asked me if I’d like her to do a membrane sweep when she checked my cervix to help me deliver closer to my due date so I figured she might as well since she was going to be checking me anyways. (My dr. has magic hands. I didn't even feel it!) After she was done she told me that I was dilated to 3 ½ cm, and 90% effaced and she wouldn't be surprised if my little girl came within the next week. So, regardless of whether or not she had done the sweep, I think my sweetheart would have been early! That day I had contractions throughout the day, but they weren’t really hard and they were really sporadic. They were more of the Braxton Hicks. They were never consistent enough to go to the hospital so I just kept waiting. We joked because that day we walked a couple blocks to return a Redbox and I was skipping around on the way there. The contractions continued through the night, so I didn’t get very much sleep that night and then the next day, there was nothing! No contractions at all… So I thought maybe she decided she wanted to cook a little longer. That night as I was about to go to bed, I talked to her and told her that if she wanted to come, then no more games. I meant business! ha! When I said my prayers that night, I asked Heavenly Father to let her come if it was the right time, and to help me be patient if it wasn’t. Then of course I asked him for help, a smooth delivery, and a healthy baby! He sure didn’t let me down… I laid down and was trying to go to sleep when all of a sudden it felt like she kicked and my water just popped. I gasped and my hubby asked what was wrong, so I told him that my water had broken. He asked me if I was sure... haha!! Umm.. yes, I was very sure. Apparently she listened when I talked to her! It was about 1:05 am when this happened, so I hurried and jumped into the shower while Parker got up and got the bag ready and called our moms. We finally got to the hospital at around 1:45 am. It was really quiet and the nurses looked like they weren’t very busy. I was still pretty comfortable and the contractions hadn’t gotten really bad yet. We just still couldn’t believe that we were finally going to have our baby girl! We got into the room and I got changed and into the bed. The nurse checked me to make sure my water really had broken (there was no question about it…) and checked my cervix. I was already dilated to 7 cm! She got me all hooked up and then it was just seeing what happened from there. That was when the hard contractions really started coming. It was so nice of them to wait until I was in bed and ready to go! Of course they hurt, but the main thing was that I was just so tired from not getting very much sleep the night before. That was honestly one of the things that got me through the labor was knowing that I could hold my baby at the end, and then rest. It was a struggle just to put my legs up so that Parker could give me counter pressure during my contractions.

After a little while of contractions, I told the nurse that I had to go to the bathroom. She said, "#1 or #2?" I said, "2". And she said, "Nope. You're just ready to push!" When it came to the point that the doctor was there and I had the green light to go ahead and push, it got a tiny bit rocky. The ring of fire is no joke and I thought there was physically no way this baby was getting out. I was almost a little relieved when my doctor did an episiotomy. I was in so much pain that I wasn’t breathing very well and was kind of hyperventilating. I had to use the oxygen mask and really focus on Parker helping me to remember to breathe. When the doctor told me that she could see the head and to keep pushing, I asked what color her hair was because I had been dying to know the entire pregnancy. (My husband has red hair, and I have blonde hair, so I was really hoping she'd get the red) Haha! They were worried that my little girl wasn't getting enough oxygen, so the doctor wanted to get her out quickly. Since I didn't have an epidural, my doctor gave me a little shot of topical anesthetic and then told me that she was going to do a tiny episiotomy. She was trying to hurry so she didn't wait long enough for the anaesthetic to work... Ouch. (Yep, I felt every one of my stitches too.) The doctor was going to use the vacuum to help get my darling baby out and right as she got it hooked up, I must have pushed enough to get her head out because she didn’t even use it. In total, I probably pushed for about 10 or 15 minutes and then she was finally here!! At 4:53 am on Sunday, April 28, 2013, I heard Mikaela cry for the first time and I was so relieved and joyful! My little girl was 6 pounds 10 ounces and 18 1/2 inches and she had RED hair!! All my hard work and weeks of being sick had finally paid off! They put her on my chest while they cleaned her off and we got to see her for the first time. 

All the nurses were amazed at how fast the labor went (1:05 am-4:53 am) and how well I was handling the pain. They were surprised that they couldn’t hear screaming or anything. Haha! I'm not sure if I would have been able to do it without any medication if my labor hadn't been so fast, but we'll see how my future labors go!! I loved the fact that I could get up and walk and use the restroom when I needed to. After she was born, my tail bone was pretty sore and sitting up in those hospital beds put a lot of pressure on it, so I had to get up and walk every once in a while to help it feel better. I really think that I had a fast recovery and am so grateful for that. I'm so happy to be a mother even though it has its hard days. My little Mika (Mee-kuh) brings me so much happiness and we love her to pieces.

Combatting Annoying Advice

Hello, everyone! This is Olivia responding to one of our reader's questions.
Oh, how I loved this topic. When people see babies, a delusional part of their brain kicks in that causes them to think they suddenly have leeway to offer advice on every subject imaginable--wanted or not. The worst offenders are almost always women. We can group the majority of them into three categories: Ladies with No Children, Other Moms, Empty Nesters, and The Elderly.

Let's discuss them one by one.

Ladies with No Children
These women mean well, (I think...) but unless you have children or interact with them on a daily basis, you just can't know the many aspects of raising a child. For me, having a daughter changed my outlook on many parenting subjects and made me realize that there are certain things I will (and won't) do for my daughter that I had never considered prior to her birth. There were many things that I never thought I would do before I had our baby. For instance, I never thought I would change my daughter on the floor in the middle of a public place like Nickel City (just one example) but that happened (okay, I was off to the side, but still in a fairly public area). Basically, if you haven't had kids, your wisdom does me no good because you don't have enough experience with children, and more specifically, you haven't had experience with my child. Unless my child is in near danger, please refrain from instructing me on how you think you would parent my child if they were yours. Because truly, you have no idea what it's like until you're in the position. These ecards say it best:

And

Sorry for the sarcasm, but really. That's kind of what it's like.

Other Moms
I recently had a family member (also a mom) who saw me nursing mildly suggest, "Make sure the baby's nose isn't covered so she can breathe." I think for an instant I was annoyed by the suggestion, mainly because my daughter is five months old and has survived okay thus far with the same nursing habits. But I chose not to take offense because she very obviously was trying to be caring rather than critical, and instead I just said, "Yep, thank you," and continued what I was doing. It can be hard to be given advice from other moms, especially ones whose children are at a different stage than yours. They may have forgotten what having an infant was really like or be offering advice for a child that is older than theirs even. Other moms also have the tendency to share stories and experiences that helped their child, but might not help yours. If anything, I am guilty of doing this because it's hard to remember that everyone's child is different and that what worked for me might not work for a friend. So in short, it's okay to share advice when asked or when having a conversation with a friend, but pushing your techniques at other moms is obnoxious and usually not helpful.

Empty Nesters
It is always fun when parents who no longer have kids in the home offer their advice. Most often (and many times in the last year) I've been informed that children and babies are wonderful fun...until they become teenagers. Man, empty nesters love to tell young parents that. It's not that all of their advice isn't useful--I've learned some good tricks from people in this category--but it is not always easy to relate to someone who hasn't had their child living at home in fifteen years. Things change, and scientists make more and more discoveries altering the child-rearing practices that were once popular back in the empty nester's day. I would suggest that people who fall into this category only offer advice (first off, when asked for it) if it is timeless and still applicable in present day. Giving a tip is alright, unless you're giving it because you've seen something that you feel another parent is doing incorrectly. Parents are different and children are different. Just like you once had to, let mothers figure out how to become a parent on their own!

The Elderly
Oh, the Elderly. If one group is more guilty of offering unsolicited advice than any other, it is definitely the old ladies that do this best. And if the Empty Nesters are guilty of giving expired parenting advice, than one can only imagine how out of date many of the old folk's suggestions are. I think that the Elderly just can't help but feel that they know it all. They have been through everything, and though it was a hundred years ago, they still insist it is fresh in their minds. The Elderly believe they've seen it all and therefore they know it all. They can be incredibly helpful when you ask their opinion or advice, or incredibly annoying when they offer it for no reason or in order to correct you. Sometimes they will say something along the lines of:

Spellcheck--they meant "follow" but anyway.

Well thank you, Elderly folk, but sometimes it's important for parents to learn lessons on their own. And try (try) to remember how it felt to be given unwanted or unneeded advice back when you were a mom. If you're contradicting someone else's parenting style, try to think twice before opening your mouth.

So the question you're actually wondering (and the one I've put off answering) is how to deal with these unsolicited advice offerers.

Well, in my opinion, it depends on who the offender is. If they are a friend or family member, you might find it easier to disregard their advice. OR it might be much harder to disagree with them, particularly if it's an in-law. Strangers generally are a little easier to handle because you have no reason to impress them and although I believe one should at least attempt to be polite during these situations, you do not have the same obligation you might feel you have with a friend or family member. Acquaintances (or any person in between the two categories) present their own challenges. Maybe you don't value their advice, but they might be important or close to someone you know and therefore you can't be rude.

In thinking about this subject, I asked my husband's opinion (mainly out of curiosity), who unsurprisingly made it seem easier than it actually is to respond to these things.

Helpful Husband Tips
1. Ignore it. Say thanks then don't follow their advice.
2. Don't say anything. At all.
3. Just beat around the bush--Paula Abdul had it right--never give a straight answer.

Thanks for your opinion, dear.

His suggestions were actually not that bad. Unless you are confrontational and want to give the person a piece of your mind, these are pretty safe options to use on anyone, including friends or family. If they're smart, they'll take the hint and leave you alone.

Some other options are:

4. Nicely tell them that you know what you're doing. You're the mom and you've got it.
5. Ask, "Did that work for your child?" This can help you avoid thanking them and distract them from trying to raise your child.
6. Try their advice. Maybe their obnoxiously offered advice will actually be useful. Don't be so prideful that you choose to ignore it completely just to make a point. You'll be kicking yourself later if you find out it could have saved you a lot of problems.

And if all else fails, this onesie is always an option.

If you want to read some other ideas, check out these articles on managing unwanted parenting advice:
Baby Care Today: Old Advice You Can Safely Ignore
Return to Sender: What to Do With Unwanted Parenting Advice
Dealing With Unwanted Baby Advice
How To Handle Annoying Parenting Advice
and, if you need a laugh:
I Read All the Baby Sleep Books

What unwanted parenting advice have you been given (and by which group)? 
How did you respond?
Do you have any other suggestions for dealing with unwanted advice?

Breastfeeding in Public

Before I had my daughter, I was anxious about breastfeeding in public. I didn't know what to expect and how hard it was going to be to maintain my modesty and quickly satiate my crying baby's needs. Last month (at four months) I got over my anxieties when we traveled to Florida for Christmas break. While visiting theme parks, I knew that nursing Tenley was going to be a challenge, but I decided that I would make it convenient for me. The idea of traveling to the one crowded (or so I've read) mother's room that the parks provide every single time I needed to feed her (which usually is every two or three hours) sounded far from appealing. I didn't want to feel as though feeding my baby was a tremendous burden because that didn't seem right to me. Why should giving my daughter nourishment be complicated or a hassle for me? It shouldn't, I realized, and I resolved to make it convenient. That doesn't mean I didn't take care to be modest, but I was more relaxed and calm as I prepared to feed her opposed to growing frantic about getting her latched immediately so she stopped crying while simultaneously trying to stay covered myself. I knew I needed to be calm for Tenley particularly in the midst of the chaos and noise that theme parks by nature generate, or she would grow frustrated and even more upset. So instead of struggling to get her situated as quickly as possible, I got her latched as discreetly as possible then tossed a light blanket over my shoulder to keep me covered. It worked great for me.

It also turns out I had been needlessly worrying about people judging me for nursing in public. Whenever someone would look over at me and realize what I was doing, they would hastily look away and mind their own business. No one in thirteen days ever said anything to me about it. Not on the plane, not at the parks, at restaurants, or anywhere else. Some ladies even smiled at me with looks of understanding. Their beaming faces seemed to be telling me that they supported me doing what was best for my baby even though it required some sacrifice on my part. And I felt relieved having the freedom to feed my baby as needed.

So what can you do to make nursing on a trip (or just in public) a breeze? The key is preparation. I got tons of advice from the web before we left. As an avid roller coaster fan, I knew I wouldn't want to be missing out by having to visit the mother's room every few hours to nurse so I wanted to determine the best course of action. I considered pumping, but if anything, I thought that carrying the equipment would be a pain and that pumping is even less discreet than nursing. I own a nursing cover and intended to bring it, but I didn't end up using it more than once or twice because it proved unnecessary. Instead of planning around using the cover, I planned my outfits strategically.

Basically, I only wore clothing that would help me breastfeed easily and discreetly. I wore shirts that either pulled down easily, were loose and easy to fit the baby under, or that buttoned. A simple trick I learned with button up shirts is to unbutton from the bottom, so the top few buttons offer some cover. Simple, but helpful. I also learned that wearing a cardigan, sweater, or shrug (one with buttons or a zipper down the front) over a loose shirt can help you cover up from the side. Apart from that, the only thing that I really wouldn't have been able to do without was a nursing bra.

I would advise you to invest in some good nursing bras. Nursing bras should be comfortable and easy to use with one hand (pretty much all things should be convenient to use one-handed once you become a mother). My favorite ones are $17 from Target (I have the gray and the nude). They offer no padding but chances are you won't need it if you're nursing. The only negative is that, because they have no padding, your nipples might be noticeable through a tight shirt. It's kind of something that you learn to live with though because breastfeeding changes that for a while (I've been informed that the change isn't permanent). Anyway, I love how easily I can clip and unclip the front of these bras for nursing. They are especially convenient while out in public and you're balancing a baby on your knee in a restaurant booth or on a park bench.

That was the other thing. I mentally planned where I would nurse Tenley and how I would handle things. I found spaces on benches and picnic tables quite easily most of the time. I tried, if possible, to sit out of the way of the beaten path by a wall or bushes or something that would provide shade for the baby and myself. Then I would sit down, pull my shirt up or down just enough to get her latched, stretch my shirt over her head (so she could have a pocket to breathe and the fabric wouldn't cover her nose), and placed a blanket over my shoulder as a light cover. The great thing about babies is that their big heads offer plenty of cover for the minimal amount of skin usually exposed when nursing. In some outfits, I've found a blanket isn't even necessary at all because Tenley's head keeps me modest and, to the untrained eye, it probably just looks like she's sleeping in my arms.

Still, it was important to have nursing gear handy. I always had a light blanket and a burp cloth nearby. Since I was still using a nipple shield at the time, I had that with me, too. It was also helpful to have a drink handy as I tend to get insanely thirsty when I'm breastfeeding. For those of you who change your baby after eating, it would be helpful to have a diaper and wipes close by. I also carry with us a changing pad I adapted myself. It's actually a thin (and cute) dog bed from T.J.Maxx that is easy to roll up and unimportant enough that I don't mind putting it on the ground wherever we may be to change Tenley on it.

Here is the dog bed I use as a changing pad. I think it's a cute pattern. Tenley looks thrilled about getting changed...

You can tell I just got done feeding Tenley here because I still have her light cotton blanket
that I used for cover draped over my shoulder.

Finally, the last thing I did was feed on a schedule. I didn't actually make a schedule, but I knew about how long I had before Tenley would need to be fed again and I tried beating her to the punch. If she was due for a feeding but seemed happy, I fed her anyway to prevent an outburst later. It is those outbursts that makes breastfeeding in public a real challenge. It's not enough that you're trying to get a wiggling, crying baby latched onto a body part that you would prefer to keep hidden from the public. Just add people staring because your baby is loudly drawing attention to you and you're clearly struggling to stifle her shrieking and do so in a discreet manner. No, it is much better to get a head-start and feed your baby before things get out of hand.

Now tell us what you think!

Do you have any experiences (negative or positive) with nursing in public?
How did they affect you (did you learn to stop caring or does it still bother you)?
Do you have any other tips for breastfeeding in public?

This post was written by Olivia.

Post-Partum Depression- A Personal Reflection

My name is Lisa. I have a 7 ½ month old, gorgeous baby girl with enormous, twinkly blue eyes, a head full of brown hair, and a wide, dimpled smile. I have an incredibly loving and supportive husband who is in a competitive school to become a dentist. My pregnancy went smoothly; my labor left little to be desired; my body healed quickly in the weeks that followed my baby’s birth; my entire family, extended family, and in-law family rallied around me to support me through my transition into motherhood. I feel that I am a very competent mother with an extensive practical background in childcare as the oldest of six kids. I have a degree in neuroscience and a passion for music. Everything in my life is going for me….

HOWEVER, for the first six months of my daughter’s life, I suffered from postpartum depression that occasionally crossed the line into psychosis. The memories are still very fresh. I feel humbled to have been asked to share my experiences and knowledge on such a sensitive subject on this blog.

Postpartum depression is a tricky thing to discuss. How do you define a condition that everyone experiences differently? How do you explain foundation-less and contradictory feelings, thoughts, and states of being? How do you recognize a condition that attacks your mind, weakens your body, and makes you feel a little bit more than a little bit crazy? The truth is, sometimes, (most of the time,) you can’t. You can only discuss the experiences, scroll through a bucket-list of potential symptoms, and hope that someone—anyone—understands.

My PPD kicked-off the day after my baby was born. I was exhausted… who isn’t after pushing seven and a half pounds of baby out of their body? But the worst part was the excessive in and out of nurses checking in on me in the hospital between the frequent feedings of this new, demanding little person in my life. I couldn’t sleep. My head was spinning, my stomach reeling, my body aching, my eyes drooping, my excitement wilting, and I could NOT sleep. I tried desperately to relax, but all my efforts were as effective as spinning wheels in a deep snow bank.

In a last ditch effort to catch some Zzz’s, I sent my baby to the hospital nursery. Within half an hour, I started freaking out. My head was buzzing with worst case scenarios in which my baby was harmed and in my weakened post-labor condition, I could do nothing about it. I became hyper-sensitive to the sounds of the hospital. I saw shadows moving around the room when there was no one there. I was hearing things I couldn’t explain. I was filled with an inexplicable terror, and I was hallucinating.

My body took the next hit. I started to tremble and convulse. I don’t think I have ever felt more terrified in my entire life, and I started to sob. My husband woke up and called in a nurse. They gave me a sedative and brought my baby back to me. I clung to her sleeping little body, and started to calm back down.

Sleepless nights fearing the worst became the norm for the next two months.

My second significant brush with PPD was in the three weeks after getting home from the hospital. I was smothered with visitors. My grandparents and mom came the first week. My in-laws came the second week, and everyone else came the week thereafter.

You’d think that I’d appreciate the help and support, but no. I HATED the company. I felt bullied and badgered by all the well-meaning visitors. In fact, I was (secretly) FURIOUS at everyone for demanding time with me and my baby when all I wanted to do was lock myself in a dark room with her and sleep. I cannot describe to you the incredible depth of the anger and malice I felt for all my well-wishers. I wanted to scream at them, tell them to go away, scold them for invading my life at such a vulnerable and sensitive time, attack them for not being more careful to wash their hands before pawing my baby, and throw them out for not being considerate enough to leave their coughs, sneezes, and stomachaches at home… but instead, I took every opportunity I could and made every excuse conceivable to take my baby to the back bedroom and hide.

And I cried a lot.

My hatred for anyone and everyone who dared to want to socialize with me or touch my baby became a regular struggle for the next six months.

Thereafter, the hardest part about PPD was simply acknowledging that I had the condition. (Don’t get me wrong. I had some really scary moments when my PPD crossed the line into the psychosis category, but I don’t feel that those moments are appropriate to discuss on a public blog.) I went two+ months feeling irrationally angry, frustrated with my life, anti-social, listless, and pathetic before I was able to recognize the condition for what it was. I think that in large part, it was so difficult to recognize because the condition fluctuated in severity from day to day—even second to second. Another reason PPD was difficult to acknowledge was my endless line of excuses I made about why I feeling the way I was feeling.

“Maybe it’s just instinct to keep my delicate baby away from peoples’ germs.”

“Those people are so insensitive to say and do the things they do.”

“The baby’s nap interferes with that event, and I don’t feel like going anyway.”

But I was the only common denominator in the equation.

Once I was able to admit to myself that I had PPD, it took another two months or so for me to really talk about my PPD with anyone other than my husband. I first broke the subject of my PPD to the world in a very difficult post on my personal blog. (You can read that post here : http://slfoltz.blogspot.com/2013_09_01_archive.html.) It was a terrifying prospect to admit my struggles and open a window into the most vulnerable part of my life. But telling people in person was not an option for me at that time, and I recognized that PPD was disrupting relationships with people that were too important to me to continue leaving in the dark.

What happened next, I did not expect. I received dozens of comments, messages, texts, and phone calls from people— some I’d never met, others I hadn’t spoken to in years—about my blog. All of the notes were encouraging, and most of them were from fellow PPD survivors.

“Hang in there. I’ve been there too, and it doesn’t last forever.”

“You’re so brave for posting this. When I had PPD….”

One friend messaged me with some websites about how to reduce PPD symptoms. Another offered me her number to call her any time day or night if I needed an ear. The outpouring of love and encouragement helped to fill me with a hope and warmth that I had all but forgotten.

And that was a turning point for me.

The next two months or so, I found the courage to talk more openly about PPD, and talking about it helped me overcome a lot of my feelings. It also happened that my baby started to wean (sadly, much earlier than I’d have liked), but that opened up more time for me to do other things and feel more like a real person again. Slowly, but surely, I started to find a way out of my despair. I was able to focus on other people and build the relationships that had been suffering from my struggles.

Looking back, PPD amplified all of my insecurities, fears, and darker feelings. But it was also a trial that helped me recognize the people who really care for me—the people who aren’t scared off by my altered mental state. And, you know what? I survived. I still have a beautiful baby girl with twinkly blue eyes and a dimpled smile. I still have an incredibly loving and supportive husband. My family is still there rallied around me. I am still a mother.

And I love it!

To those of you that are going through postpartum depression, hang in there. Keep going. I know it feels like you are in a long, dark tunnel without an end in sight, but it will pass. No, really, it will. If the burden is too much to bear, SEEK HELP!! You will want/need the support of someone who knows what you are going through or can at least listen to you as you try to sort it out. Also, there is absolutely no shame in seeing a doctor/psychiatrist/psychologist about this condition. It IS a medical condition. You are not crazy for feeling the way you feel. You are not weak. You are not pathetic. You are in no way any less of a person for experiencing this depression.

To those of you that are not sure if you are dealing with PPD, hang in there. Keep going. If you aren’t sure what’s going on, chances are you are dealing with PPD. Seek help. Find someone you trust to talk to. Talk to a professional. Again, there is no shame in getting the help and support you need.

To those of you worried about the possibility of PPD in your future, get informed. But know that LOTS of women have survived PPD, and if you are faced with that challenge, you can too.

Creating a human being is a miracle! There are bound to be setbacks. But in the long run, what you will remember most is how much you love your miracle.

(The following is a link to a wonderful talk given in the October 2013 General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints concerning mental illness that, for me, was a great strength while I was battling my PPD: http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng.)