Oh, how I loved this topic. When people see babies, a delusional part of their brain kicks in that causes them to think they suddenly have leeway to offer advice on every subject imaginable--wanted or not. The worst offenders are almost always women. We can group the majority of them into three categories: Ladies with No Children, Other Moms, Empty Nesters, and The Elderly.
Let's discuss them one by one.
Ladies with No Children
These women mean well, (I think...) but unless you have children or interact with them on a daily basis, you just can't know the many aspects of raising a child. For me, having a daughter changed my outlook on many parenting subjects and made me realize that there are certain things I will (and won't) do for my daughter that I had never considered prior to her birth. There were many things that I never thought I would do before I had our baby. For instance, I never thought I would change my daughter on the floor in the middle of a public place like Nickel City (just one example) but that happened (okay, I was off to the side, but still in a fairly public area). Basically, if you haven't had kids, your wisdom does me no good because you don't have enough experience with children, and more specifically, you haven't had experience with my child. Unless my child is in near danger, please refrain from instructing me on how you think you would parent my child if they were yours. Because truly, you have no idea what it's like until you're in the position. These ecards say it best:
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| Sorry for the sarcasm, but really. That's kind of what it's like. |
I recently had a family member (also a mom) who saw me nursing mildly suggest, "Make sure the baby's nose isn't covered so she can breathe." I think for an instant I was annoyed by the suggestion, mainly because my daughter is five months old and has survived okay thus far with the same nursing habits. But I chose not to take offense because she very obviously was trying to be caring rather than critical, and instead I just said, "Yep, thank you," and continued what I was doing. It can be hard to be given advice from other moms, especially ones whose children are at a different stage than yours. They may have forgotten what having an infant was really like or be offering advice for a child that is older than theirs even. Other moms also have the tendency to share stories and experiences that helped their child, but might not help yours. If anything, I am guilty of doing this because it's hard to remember that everyone's child is different and that what worked for me might not work for a friend. So in short, it's okay to share advice when asked or when having a conversation with a friend, but pushing your techniques at other moms is obnoxious and usually not helpful.
Empty Nesters
It is always fun when parents who no longer have kids in the home offer their advice. Most often (and many times in the last year) I've been informed that children and babies are wonderful fun...until they become teenagers. Man, empty nesters love to tell young parents that. It's not that all of their advice isn't useful--I've learned some good tricks from people in this category--but it is not always easy to relate to someone who hasn't had their child living at home in fifteen years. Things change, and scientists make more and more discoveries altering the child-rearing practices that were once popular back in the empty nester's day. I would suggest that people who fall into this category only offer advice (first off, when asked for it) if it is timeless and still applicable in present day. Giving a tip is alright, unless you're giving it because you've seen something that you feel another parent is doing incorrectly. Parents are different and children are different. Just like you once had to, let mothers figure out how to become a parent on their own!
The Elderly
Oh, the Elderly. If one group is more guilty of offering unsolicited advice than any other, it is definitely the old ladies that do this best. And if the Empty Nesters are guilty of giving expired parenting advice, than one can only imagine how out of date many of the old folk's suggestions are. I think that the Elderly just can't help but feel that they know it all. They have been through everything, and though it was a hundred years ago, they still insist it is fresh in their minds. The Elderly believe they've seen it all and therefore they know it all. They can be incredibly helpful when you ask their opinion or advice, or incredibly annoying when they offer it for no reason or in order to correct you. Sometimes they will say something along the lines of:
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| Spellcheck--they meant "follow" but anyway. |
So the question you're actually wondering (and the one I've put off answering) is how to deal with these unsolicited advice offerers.
Well, in my opinion, it depends on who the offender is. If they are a friend or family member, you might find it easier to disregard their advice. OR it might be much harder to disagree with them, particularly if it's an in-law. Strangers generally are a little easier to handle because you have no reason to impress them and although I believe one should at least attempt to be polite during these situations, you do not have the same obligation you might feel you have with a friend or family member. Acquaintances (or any person in between the two categories) present their own challenges. Maybe you don't value their advice, but they might be important or close to someone you know and therefore you can't be rude.
In thinking about this subject, I asked my husband's opinion (mainly out of curiosity), who unsurprisingly made it seem easier than it actually is to respond to these things.
Helpful Husband Tips
1. Ignore it. Say thanks then don't follow their advice.
2. Don't say anything. At all.
3. Just beat around the bush--Paula Abdul had it right--never give a straight answer.
Thanks for your opinion, dear.
His suggestions were actually not that bad. Unless you are confrontational and want to give the person a piece of your mind, these are pretty safe options to use on anyone, including friends or family. If they're smart, they'll take the hint and leave you alone.
Some other options are:
4. Nicely tell them that you know what you're doing. You're the mom and you've got it.
5. Ask, "Did that work for your child?" This can help you avoid thanking them and distract them from trying to raise your child.
6. Try their advice. Maybe their obnoxiously offered advice will actually be useful. Don't be so prideful that you choose to ignore it completely just to make a point. You'll be kicking yourself later if you find out it could have saved you a lot of problems.
If you want to read some other ideas, check out these articles on managing unwanted parenting advice:
Baby Care Today: Old Advice You Can Safely Ignore
Return to Sender: What to Do With Unwanted Parenting Advice
Dealing With Unwanted Baby Advice
How To Handle Annoying Parenting Advice
and, if you need a laugh:
I Read All the Baby Sleep Books
What unwanted parenting advice have you been given (and by which group)?
How did you respond?
Do you have any other suggestions for dealing with unwanted advice?
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