There is always the question of how you and your spouse will raise your new child. Everyone has a different upbringing and that will certainly play a role in how you choose to raise your baby. Usually a healthy mixture of the two styles your parents used (mixed in with things they never tried) will result in a solution that everyone can be satisfied with. Hopefully you both have some inkling of what the other person feels is the "right way" to raise a child (if there was a "right way," which I do not believe there is). If you are single or dating or engaged, make sure you talk to the other person about this before getting married. I can assure you that you will be better off knowing what you are getting into before you are in the thick of it. Regardless of whether you have ironed out these details or not, there is always time to figure it out, and believe me, you will--whether you do so happily or not is up to you. Then, there is still the matter of your relationship with your spouse.
I wish I could blame the issues that arrive with a new baby on one person. I wish I could just say something like, "it's the wife's problem" or "husband's are responsible for the changes that come with a newborn," but reality has other ideas. If one person were to blame, things would be so much easier to fix. I could just direct this post toward husbands or toward wives and then they would read it and know what to do and their marriage would be magically repaired. Alas, we are all humans with our individual agency, which means that we make our own choices, good or bad. And the hard truth is, both of you are to blame. You cannot place the blame on your new baby, though it might be easy to feel that way when he or she is the one keeping you up at nights and preventing you from doing the things you used to do as a couple. Adjusting is a part of marriage and an even bigger part of life. You will learn to adapt to the changes of a growing family and though there will be rocky times, they will help you appreciate the joyful ones even more.
Even though I blog and openly share things about my marriage and life experiences, it does not mean that I do not struggle just as much as the next wife. Though I do not always talk about it (I like to dwell on the positive), my sweet husband and I argue at times. I am impatient. He hates being nagged. When I ask him to help with something or do me a favor, I want it done RIGHT THEN, darn it, not in ten minutes or an hour or tomorrow or worst of all "later," which in my head means probably never. Dalin rarely, rarely asks me for favor. He will say, "Can you please get some water bottles from the grocery store," and I grumble and mutter under my breath because water bottles are heavy and there is nothing I hate more than lugging them all the way to our upstairs apartment from the trunk of our car down the icy sidewalk in the cold. But over time I have learned a few secrets to marital happiness and though the prideful part of me just wants to do whatever my emotions want when I'm angry, my conscience is bigger than my pride. Here are a few things that are important:
1. Put your marriage first. This means after God (who should always come first if you want the most happiness), love your spouse first. Even more than your children.
2. Serve your spouse. It might feel like this is all you do. If you are a stay-at-home mom like me, it can feel like an endless list of small services. But I mean really serve your spouse. Offer to make a special dessert or just do it. Do something with them that he or she likes to do. Shopping, golf, fishing, video games, frisbee, whatever, just take the time to be playful again. This is especially important when you feel upset with him or her. Serving others will change your heart, I swear it. It will feel like the last thing you want to do at first, but if you make an effort to serve your spouse, your attitude will start to turn around faster than you would think. Happens to me every time.
3. Be thankful and appreciative. Even if you feel like they have not helped you at all that day, say thank you. It can be easy to miss all the things your spouse does in secret. I know some days I just want to complain to Dalin about my day but I try to remember that I might not know how his day went at work. Maybe his day was worse than mine. Try to remember that, and be a positive part of his or her day. And fun fact--gratitude actually makes you happier! Try it.
4. Schedule, schedule, schedule. Date nights, family nights, nightly prayer and scripture study, and even intimacy. Don't skip out on the things you love to do. Work, school, church are all priorities, but nothing is more important than your marriage.
5. Have discussions about your future. Remember back when you were engaged or newlyweds and had all sorts of dreams and plans for your future? You may not have vocalized them in a while, but I believe it is an important part of fostering your romance. You need to dream together in order to have something to look forward to on the hard days. Know that the stage you are in will not last forever.
6. Agree to disagree. When it comes to parenting your child and you simply cannot agree on how to raise him or her, try both of your ideas. Let one parent be responsible for their idea and the other for theirs. You may find that compromise is easier after you see how each idea turns out. If one is a complete failure, go with the other or find an alternative that incorporates the best of both. Remember that putting off arguments can give you peace of mind immediately and you may find that the argument seems less important to you later on. Maybe you will have more clarity on the matter. Whatever you do, do NOT allow raising your child to tear you and your spouse apart. Be willing to try their ideas. Remind each other that you both love your child and you are both trying to do what you think is best.
7. Let your child bring you together. Share the responsibilities of raising your son or daughter. While one parent may be more responsible for their upbringing, that does not mean that the other parent is just a roommate. Tell your spouse about the experiences and firsts they have missed and make them feel as though you wish they could have seen it. Do not make them feel guilty for not being "as much" a part of your child's life. If you both enjoy snuggling your baby, do it together. If you both want to try co-sleeping, go for it! But do take nights off. Put the baby in the crib for a nap or the night and be together. Talk like you did when you were dating. Your baby should be a uniting force rather than a dividing one. Remember the reason you had a baby. You are growing your family, and with time, it will get easier.
8. Be organized. Besides making your home life easier and less stressful, this will help you stay focused on the important things when you finally have free time. For example, you will not feel burdened by laundry or dishes or tidying up if there isn't any to do. Instead you can focus on what you want to do--enjoy your spouse and children. Have fun. Play. Do things together.
9. Be happy. Being happy is a choice. It is not an easy one many times, but nonetheless, you can control your attitude. If you need more happiness in your life, try some of these: serve others, express your gratitude, exercise, get enough sleep, go outside. These are all proven ways to increase your happiness. And if you are happy, it will be much easier to encourage that same happiness in your spouse!
What are your ideas for maintaining your marriage with a new baby?
How do you let your little one unify you and your spouse?
Here are some other articles you might find interesting:
Let Parenthood Strengthen Your Marriage
Your Marriage After Baby: Problems and Solutions
I wish I could blame the issues that arrive with a new baby on one person. I wish I could just say something like, "it's the wife's problem" or "husband's are responsible for the changes that come with a newborn," but reality has other ideas. If one person were to blame, things would be so much easier to fix. I could just direct this post toward husbands or toward wives and then they would read it and know what to do and their marriage would be magically repaired. Alas, we are all humans with our individual agency, which means that we make our own choices, good or bad. And the hard truth is, both of you are to blame. You cannot place the blame on your new baby, though it might be easy to feel that way when he or she is the one keeping you up at nights and preventing you from doing the things you used to do as a couple. Adjusting is a part of marriage and an even bigger part of life. You will learn to adapt to the changes of a growing family and though there will be rocky times, they will help you appreciate the joyful ones even more.
Even though I blog and openly share things about my marriage and life experiences, it does not mean that I do not struggle just as much as the next wife. Though I do not always talk about it (I like to dwell on the positive), my sweet husband and I argue at times. I am impatient. He hates being nagged. When I ask him to help with something or do me a favor, I want it done RIGHT THEN, darn it, not in ten minutes or an hour or tomorrow or worst of all "later," which in my head means probably never. Dalin rarely, rarely asks me for favor. He will say, "Can you please get some water bottles from the grocery store," and I grumble and mutter under my breath because water bottles are heavy and there is nothing I hate more than lugging them all the way to our upstairs apartment from the trunk of our car down the icy sidewalk in the cold. But over time I have learned a few secrets to marital happiness and though the prideful part of me just wants to do whatever my emotions want when I'm angry, my conscience is bigger than my pride. Here are a few things that are important:
1. Put your marriage first. This means after God (who should always come first if you want the most happiness), love your spouse first. Even more than your children.
2. Serve your spouse. It might feel like this is all you do. If you are a stay-at-home mom like me, it can feel like an endless list of small services. But I mean really serve your spouse. Offer to make a special dessert or just do it. Do something with them that he or she likes to do. Shopping, golf, fishing, video games, frisbee, whatever, just take the time to be playful again. This is especially important when you feel upset with him or her. Serving others will change your heart, I swear it. It will feel like the last thing you want to do at first, but if you make an effort to serve your spouse, your attitude will start to turn around faster than you would think. Happens to me every time.
3. Be thankful and appreciative. Even if you feel like they have not helped you at all that day, say thank you. It can be easy to miss all the things your spouse does in secret. I know some days I just want to complain to Dalin about my day but I try to remember that I might not know how his day went at work. Maybe his day was worse than mine. Try to remember that, and be a positive part of his or her day. And fun fact--gratitude actually makes you happier! Try it.
4. Schedule, schedule, schedule. Date nights, family nights, nightly prayer and scripture study, and even intimacy. Don't skip out on the things you love to do. Work, school, church are all priorities, but nothing is more important than your marriage.
5. Have discussions about your future. Remember back when you were engaged or newlyweds and had all sorts of dreams and plans for your future? You may not have vocalized them in a while, but I believe it is an important part of fostering your romance. You need to dream together in order to have something to look forward to on the hard days. Know that the stage you are in will not last forever.
6. Agree to disagree. When it comes to parenting your child and you simply cannot agree on how to raise him or her, try both of your ideas. Let one parent be responsible for their idea and the other for theirs. You may find that compromise is easier after you see how each idea turns out. If one is a complete failure, go with the other or find an alternative that incorporates the best of both. Remember that putting off arguments can give you peace of mind immediately and you may find that the argument seems less important to you later on. Maybe you will have more clarity on the matter. Whatever you do, do NOT allow raising your child to tear you and your spouse apart. Be willing to try their ideas. Remind each other that you both love your child and you are both trying to do what you think is best.
7. Let your child bring you together. Share the responsibilities of raising your son or daughter. While one parent may be more responsible for their upbringing, that does not mean that the other parent is just a roommate. Tell your spouse about the experiences and firsts they have missed and make them feel as though you wish they could have seen it. Do not make them feel guilty for not being "as much" a part of your child's life. If you both enjoy snuggling your baby, do it together. If you both want to try co-sleeping, go for it! But do take nights off. Put the baby in the crib for a nap or the night and be together. Talk like you did when you were dating. Your baby should be a uniting force rather than a dividing one. Remember the reason you had a baby. You are growing your family, and with time, it will get easier.
8. Be organized. Besides making your home life easier and less stressful, this will help you stay focused on the important things when you finally have free time. For example, you will not feel burdened by laundry or dishes or tidying up if there isn't any to do. Instead you can focus on what you want to do--enjoy your spouse and children. Have fun. Play. Do things together.
9. Be happy. Being happy is a choice. It is not an easy one many times, but nonetheless, you can control your attitude. If you need more happiness in your life, try some of these: serve others, express your gratitude, exercise, get enough sleep, go outside. These are all proven ways to increase your happiness. And if you are happy, it will be much easier to encourage that same happiness in your spouse!
What are your ideas for maintaining your marriage with a new baby?
How do you let your little one unify you and your spouse?
Here are some other articles you might find interesting:
Let Parenthood Strengthen Your Marriage
Your Marriage After Baby: Problems and Solutions
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