Kelsey's Miscarriage: Heartbroken but Healing

No, please check again," I felt myself repeating in my mind when the nurse delivered the heartbreaking news.  Instead I found myself in tears telling the nurse, "it's okay."

Those were the only simple words I could muster fearing that I would start sobbing in front of my husband and the nurse.

I went from being probably the happiest girl alive to the most heartbroken girl in the world in just a matter of minutes.

Pregnancy: The Beginning

On September 4th, I took a home pregnancy test.  I wanted to wait for Jordan but couldn't stand the suspense of waiting for him. I just had to know! So I took it. Within seconds I saw a faint line appear which looked to be negative. Another second after that I saw another line appear on top. Sure enough the two lines formed a positive symbol.

Rather then screaming and jumping for joy I sat on my bed feeling like I was about to faint.  I repeated silently to myself, "oh my gosh, I'm pregnant."

What I couldn't believe was how quickly I got pregnant. We got off birth control at the end of July and got pregnant in early August.  I thought we would get pregnant at least five months after. I was in absolute shock and felt like I wasn't ready.

I said a prayer asking Heavenly Father to calm my fears and to help me to get a hold of myself. I asked Him to give me the strength and to help me feel confident and ready to be a mom.  After the prayer I began to feel calm and soon panic turned into pure joy. I was pregnant and about to begin one of the most exciting journeys of my life.

I texted Jordan saying that I had some exciting news to tell him and to call me once he could.  Jordan said to me after he got that text that he had a feeling that I was pregnant. Like me he too was excited but nervous.  It took some time like me but once he got on board he too couldn't wait to be a dad.

Dreaming of Our Future Baby 

Like most people are when they find out their pregnant I began imagining what our son or daughter would look like. I began picking names with Jordan and looking at cute baby clothes.  I would read my Mayo Clinic book on pregnancy almost everyday and watch the TV show, A Baby Story to prepare myself.

I also found myself badly wanting to tell people the exciting news.  At times I found myself almost slipping my exciting news to friends. It was hard handling questions like, "so are you guys wanted to have kids soon?" Or "how is the baby making going?"  Jordan and I would look at each other smiling and say things back about how the baby making was coming along and that we had no baby yet.  It was hard lying but we just wanted to make sure things were going to be okay before we announced our news.

Cards and letters from parents. 

Letter from my brother and sister-in-law 

Miscarriage

Finally the day came when would see our baby for the first time. It was hard going to class in the morning and staying focused. I kept thinking of how I was going to tell the news to our close friends and about what questions to ask our doctor.

When Jordan and I got to Valley OBYN I remembered feeling nauseous and hungry since I had eaten little that day or week.  My pregnancy had been relatively easy besides my sudden loss in appetite.  I had gone from weighing 113 pounds to only 108.  I read losing weight was okay in the beginning but just to be sure I planned to talk about it with my doctor.

Jordan and I found ourselves sitting in the waiting room for a long time. The secretary told us that our doctor was running late due to a baby delivery earlier that morning.  Instead of sitting in the waiting room for another hour we decided to grab a quick bite to eat a McDonald's.  I had been craving chicken nuggets and a mango smoothie so it was nice satisfying my craving and getting food into my empty belly.  Jordan and I spent the hour talking about how we imagined the appointment going. I smiled imagining us both crying when we saw our baby's heartbeat for the first time.

Driving back to Valley OBYN I began feeling doubts that everything wasn't okay.  I dismissed this thought immediately and told myself I had nothing to worry about.  I was perfectly healthy and we would receive only happy news at the appointment.

When we got back our doctor saw us right away.Our doctor was a nice man who seemed to be full of life and energy.  I couldn't believe how awake he was given the fact he had be awake early that morning delivering a baby. We asked a couple of questions to our doctor and he went straight to the ultrasound machine.

My heart was racing.

He put cold jelly on my tummy and pushed down gently with the ultra sound scoop thingy (don't know the exact name for this).  I saw on a screen next to me an image that appeared to looked like my uterus. Everything on the screen was grey and black.  I had no idea what I was looking at.  He pushed down harder and harder. I asked if he could see anything yet.  He said he could see my uterus and that he could see a small amniotic sac.

The doctor informed me that I had a titled back uterus which 1/3 of women had. Since my uterus was more titled back it was making it harder to see the baby.  He said he would try one more time and that if he didn't see the baby that he would have me go to another ultrasound technician and have her use more advanced equipment.  He tried again and still no luck.

He then left the room to inform the technician that I would be arriving to her shortly.  The doctor told me to get dressed and that everything that was happening was perfectly normal. When the doctor left I looked wide eyed at Jordan and asked if he was worried.  Shaking his head he said no and that everything would be okay.

We then went down a long hallway to the advanced ultra sound room there was a huge 40 inch screen television and the ultra sound machine was bigger and newer looking. I laid down and the technician proceeded to put warm jelly on my tummy.  The room grew silent and the nurse pressed down harder with the ultra sound scope.  Still no luck.  "I'm sorry but it looks like we'll have to do a vaginal ultrasound," the nurse said.

I was a bit surprised and dreaded having to have a vaginal ultrasound done. It was probably one of the most painful things I experienced. I was uncomfortable the entire time.  Finally she saw the baby.  Looking closer I saw a black shape appear on the screen. The black object which looked like a banana surprised me.  I asked the nurse if the black banana shape object was my uterus.  She shook her head no proceeded to tell me that it was the babies amniotic sac.

The nurse then grew very silent.  In the middle of this black banana was a grey small object.  She zoomed in and I could see our baby.  I had seen pictures of people's ultrasounds before and none of them looked like mine.  I also noticed how quiet the nurse was and knew something wasn't right.  Finally the nurse broke the silence and said, "I'm so sorry but there isn't a heartbeat."  I looked at her shocked with tears at the corners of my eye's.  All I could say back was "it's okay."

As I was saying, "it's okay," I felt numb.  The words there was no heartbeat didn't register.  Jordan when hearing the news of there was no heartbeat couldn't look at me.  I asked later why he didn't and he said that he knew if he looked at me that he would cry.  When the nurse left to give us our space Jordan and I held each other and cried. Not wanting people to see me cry more I decided that I needed to get dressed and see the doctor.

Looking back I wish I would have cried some more.

I left the room with Jordan and went into the room where the doctor would be.  The doctor walked in soon after we did and said that he was sorry to break the bad news but that we indeed had a miscarriage.  I asked if there was a chance that the baby was still alive.  The doctor sensing that I was in denial explained how the banana shaped amniotic sac was a sign that things weren't alright. He also asked if we both were LDS. We said that we both were and he proceeded to say that he was LDS too and that he didn't feel comfortable expelling a pregnancy unless he was 100% that the baby wasn't living.

He then told us what options we had.  He told us we didn't have to make a decision that day and that we needed time to be together to grieve.

As I was walking out I avoided eye contact with anyone in fear I would cry.  As soon as I got in the car I began to cry.  When we got home to our apartment I made sure not to cry until we reached our apartment. Jordan and I both cried for hours.  I had classes that day and ended up skipping all of them to grieve.

Below is a picture of my ultra sound.

Surgery

I decided a couple days after I found out the news that I would have the surgery.  I didn't want to be at work or school when my body decided to pass the fetus.  I found out Tuesday about my miscarriage and went in that Friday for the surgery.

Not many people know but I have a strong phobia of needles.  I was terrified more about the needles than the surgery itself.  The staff at the Utah Valley Hospital Outpatient Center was amazing! They were super friendly and took good care of me. My last memory before the surgery was kissing Jordan goodbye and having piles of warm blankets put on top of me.

After the surgery the nurses gave me jello, crackers and vanilla cookies.  I was in heaven. Not having eaten all day and it being 3 p.m. I was starving! Jello never tasted so good.  The surgery went well and was relatively painless. I left around 4 and fell asleep for most of the day.

I had only heard from women what a miscarriage was like. Though listening to stories and hearing how hard a miscarriage is I still felt totally unprepared.  No one can prepare you for the day you find out your baby doesn't have a heartbeat.

Recovery 

The next morning after the surgery I woke up early to use the restroom.  After getting up I found myself in the bathroom feeling very sick.  I called Jordan's name and asked if he could come help me. When I looked at myself in the mirror I was so pale.

When I went back to bed I experienced the worse cramps of my life. I asked Jordan to give me my pain medicine.  I had to eat something first so I ate as many crackers as I could.  When I took the medicine the pain went away within minutes.  I quickly went back to bed and woke up at 11 a.m.  Besides that one day of pain the rest of the week was pretty easy.  I ended up not going to work on Monday and missing classes on Tuesday until the bleeding and cramping stopped.

For the first couple of weeks I closed myself off from everyone.  I couldn't stand the pain and didn't want people to feel sorry for me.  After the miscarriage I felt completely numb.

I decided early on to not share what happened.  However, I regret not telling more people.  Not sharing my experience prolonged my grieving.  My one advice to those who experience a miscarriage is to share what happened to your friends and family. They can help you the most to get through the pain.

Future

We hope someday to get pregnant again soon.  I pray that the Lord will bless my husband and I with a healthy baby someday.I know we need to be patient and that the Lord will know when the right time is for us.