Julia's experience with PPD- you CAN make it through

This time last year, I was spending my time experiencing the learning curve of new motherhood in an apartment it seemed like I never left. I had a wonderful supportive husband, a perfect beautiful baby girl, and every thing I needed to be happy. But at that moment in time, one I never want to relive, the world and the future seemed somewhat hopeless and dismal. 

That is what the veil of depression can do to you-make you feel like no matter how hard you push, or pray, or work or cry that you will ever break out of the reality that you will never be happy again. Of course, this is a distorted reality-one that makes it so that you don't realize that it doesn't end at that wall. It makes it so that you can't see that there IS a door-there IS a place PAST the veil, where things do get a easier, or where you see a happier, more whole you. One where you are loved and valued, not only by others, but even by yourself. But that place DOES exist. You can get there. Even when it seems truly impossible. Even if you can't see that or don't believe it-trust people who have been there.

You might need help outside yourself-you might be the person who just needs a lot of time, love and support from family and friends. You might be the person who needs chemical support or help, from a prescription a doctor deems appropriate, and there is no shame in that. You might be the person who needs constant company, or just someone to BE there physically not saying anything, so you feel safer and more able to take care of yourself and your child healthily. You might be the person who needs planned out counseling or support groups to attend. The fact is-you might be the person who needs all of these things. 

But depression is a beast that cannot be conquered alone because he lives inside your head. He feeds off your weaknesses, fertilizes your insecurities, and propels all the things that shatter your heart and head, until its not just hurting you inside, but its seeping into the outside. He will consume you will feelings of inadequacy, doubt, fear, hurt and most of all guilt. Guilt that has plagued so many other women throughout the history of the world. He will give you thoughts of if those women can, and have done this, with ease-that you must be deficient because you can't take care of your own child. He will make you ask yourself the questions you've been pushing down for so long-what kind of a mother or person does that make you that you just can't seem to hack it right now-or worse, ever? Again, by pushing this illusion on you, he makes it your reality. You become so consumed with your guilt or pain that you can't take care of yourself or your child to the best of your ability. You become your own worst enemy.

Don't believe these illusions he pushes on you. Don't feed the beast by allowing it to control you-it is so, so hard, and like I said, few are the people who can do so without help.

I know because I, like many others, have been there. I was the person who spent more hours of the day crying then not. I was the person who had to keep someone in the room with me at all times, even if it was just on the phone or Skype, even when not talking to make sure I wouldn't lose myself inside my head to my inadequacies. I was the person who leaned so hard on my husband who was working insane hours, too long and too hard for us, even though he needed and deserved a break. I was the person who spent every waking minute pleading with my Heavenly Father to carry me through just one more day because I just couldn't think about the next one.  I was the person who had to be the child while my perfect daughter rarely cried and whose sweet spirit soothed mine at first. And you know what?

For the first few months afterwards I couldn't even admit that out loud. But I was not alone, and I don't think I really realized that. But YOU should. Millions of women out there have cried and suffered too, and have needed help-but then lived to tell the tale despite this vice. There is no shame in it-extend yourself the same compassion that you have offered to so many others time and time again. Cut yourself a break and know that some burdens are too heavy to lift alone-allow someone or something else to share the load, and to help you get the strength kick the crap out of this thing; to move on to your better, happier, well deserved life. It exists. 

It may take a long time to get there-it will probably be a process. You may need to savor the small victories day by day. You may need to mentally pat yourself on the back when you find a day where you made it through a whole hour without crying. Or when you made dinner AND took care of the baby perfectly all on the same day. But slowly, with all the resources you have, you may find that you don't have to count the hours, or that you can juggle all these things a little easier. You may find that you smiled without trying, or you laughed a genuine laugh with Ellen Degeneres or Jimmy Fallon, or that you enjoyed that last diaper change or nap almost as much as your baby did. You may find that the impossible has become a TRUE reality-you have found your way through that door-that you are ok, that you are happy and you didn't quite realize that until just that moment. And that you deserve it, and your family deserves it.

Motherhood is by far the most rewarding, fulfilling wonderful thing I have ever, or will ever do. Today, I am much happier than I was even before I ever experienced PPD.  In my child I see the best parts of me and my husband and a love bigger then I could have ever imagine myself capable of-but I know from experience that this is something I wouldn't have been able to see had I not made it through the veil of PPD, and I would have been missing out on the best thing my world will ever know. 

You may not be a momma who struggles with this-that is ok-you still have it good and hard at some times and your doing a great job. You may be one who has baby blues, but gets through them ok. 

Or, you may be one of those women who do have to do this. But you can do hard things-you can make it through this if you must. Do all that you can to be the best you-the best mother that you and your child deserve, and if you struggle with this, take a deep breath-say a prayer-have [another] good cry and talk to whoever you need to to get the help you need. It is worth it-your child is worth it-and remember. YOU are worth it too.