Emily:
Originally, I was only going to write down the birth story of our precious little son. But as I was reading back over journal entries to remember the story and my feelings about everything, I decided that this story actually began the day Mary was born. So “let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start”! Much of this post will be made up of journal entries, plus some of my additional thoughts. Many things written are precious and sacred to me, to the point that I almost didn’t share. But I felt strongly that I needed to for some reason or other. If you would rather just read the birth story, feel free to scroll down to the last journal entry! (Which will be in Part 3 of Emily's story!)
This is a recounting of part of my story of the tender mercies and hardships experienced by, I am sure, many mothers. It also shows how I slowly learn, through my experiences, to rely on the Lord more perfectly.
On May 12th 2012, our beautiful daughter Mary Elizabeth was born into this world. Our family had begun growing, and we were so happy. I remember having a distinct feeling, just hours after her birth that another little soul would be joining us soon. I just didn’t know how soon.
A few months passed, and Mary grew, and so did my love for her, and my love of being a mother, and my pride too. I was proud that I was able to nurse her and give her sustenance for life. I was proud that I was training her to be such a good sleeper, that I had taught her how to practically fall asleep on her own in her own crib at such a young age. I was proud that I had such incredible mothering mentors in my life who were a fountain of knowledge to me and who gave me incredible insights into motherhood, and how to make my life easier through the proper training and loving of my children. I was proud. Frankly, while many of these things are true, I was PRIDEFUL.
Suddenly, when Mary was about 5 months old, I realized that she wasn’t getting much heavier. She was long – GOSH was she long! But she was skinny. I also noticed that my milk supply was decreasing significantly. But, because of my pride, I convinced myself that everything was fine. We were just going to rise above the occasion, and overcome it! Because I am a conqueror!!
Now, here is my first journal entry on the matter:
November 29, 2012
“Where do I begin? I have been a whirlpool of emotions as of late. We went to Mary’s 6 month pediatrician appointment. It did not go well between the doctor and I. Mary didn’t really gain any weight, but she gained inches and a little on the head circumference. The doctor made me feel as if I was starving my baby and that I was going to eventually stunt her brain growth. She told me that I needed to start Mary on formula. That didn’t feel good to me (spiritually), so we are not going to do that. Since then (2 weeks ago), I have been eaten alive by negative feelings about my inadequacies as a mother, as a child of God, and of Mary and her health. Every little comment that people make about how slender she is, or anything like that have just made it worse. Today was a breaking point. I called Isaac and cried over the phone to him. He told me of Joseph Smith and how he did something that he believed was right, even when no one else would, and he told me to go on a walk to think things through and ask Heavenly Father the questions I needed answers to. I bundled Mary up in the stroller and did just that. It felt good just to walk. I ended up at the temple on a bench near a fountain. I prayed, wrote my three questions down, and prayed and thought some more. I read my patriarchal blessing, and found solace in it. I feel as if one of my answers has been partially answered, and I also learned that I need not trust in the arm of flesh, but in that of God. I need to re-learn how to do that, I think. I walked home in higher spirits. I picked Isaac up from school and we went to the Provo Airport to pick his dad up, who flew in on some business. He stayed for dinner. I have always wondered if Isaac parents really like me. I don’t know if it’s the age difference (in my family, I’m the oldest, in Isaac’s I’m one of the youngest), or if it is the uncertainty I feel about myself (more likely), or if this is just something that every spouse must go through with their in-laws. It’s tough. I need God. I have noticed throughout the course of the evening, that some of the negative feelings have come creeping back into my mind and heart. I am going to go study the Book of Mormon and see what Nephi (or Lehi, or anyone else for that matter) can teach me tonight. Buenas Noches!”
This journal entry was a turning point for me. After this experience, and since then, I have worked to seek the Lord in all that I do, and I have found that how I feel about myself, and how I think others perceive me has improved significantly.
Back to the story – I knew that I wasn’t producing enough milk for Mary. That was a big shocker to my pride. Maybe I’m not superwoman, after all? This was a hard time for me. I felt like a failure. Why was my body failing me? I was a good person…why couldn’t I just give my daughter what she needs – that’s not too much to ask, is it?? I shed so many tears over this. So much sadness and so many emotions. When I took Mary in for her appointment, and explained my situation – that my milk supply was decreasing, and wondering what I could do, the doctor just spoke of solid foods and formula. They wouldn’t even work with me…they just wanted to give the easy answer they give to most parents. You know how most doctors will prescribe medications to mask or relieve symptoms, but then you come across a truly marvelous doctor who is interested in healing his patients, and teaching them how to change their lifestyle in order to receive the results they seek? Yes, that is what I was looking for! I needed ANSWERS!! Then, I began to fight back. I tried EVERYTHING! I would make meals with fennel. I began taking fenugreek and other such supplements like Blessed Thistle to help increase milk supply. I began drinking mother’s milk tea. I was drinking a gallon or more of water a day. I was taking it easy, getting plenty of rest. And guess what? Nothing happened. Actually, something DID happen – my milk decreased even more. I was heartbroken. When I had reached my lowest point, I asked Isaac for a priesthood blessing. After that blessing, we both knew. It was just feeling. But it was also a fact….because I just knew it was true.
December 2, 2012
From Isaac’s journal entry from this morning:
2 December 12
Among the many things I would like to change in my life, writing in my journal consistently is one of them. This semester has been pretty good. It had its own set of challenges, and finals are right around the corner. One nice thing is that out of my seven classes I only have to take three finals in the Testing Center, all the others are either take-home or already done. I’m glad it is almost over. I’m burning out. I need a break.So, we are going to visit my family in California for probably three weeks for Christmas break. A much needed vacation for my little family. I’ve been donating plasma twice a week for the last few months saving up to pay for the gas. If one were to look at my arms, it may look like I take intravenous drugs or had a history of doing it. Oh well, hope I never get in a situation where that may be in question.
It’s about 5:50am and Mary has been up for just over an hour. She has been mine and Emily’s little alarm clock for the last couple of weeks. She usually wakes up about fifteen minutes (give or take five minutes) before 5:00am and that is basically when our day begins. For me, it has helped a lot. I have a hard time getting out of bed, but when Mary is crying I have more motivation to start moving. Recently Mary had a fever which she got over, but now has one of those coughing colds that sound nasty. It’s sad to hear that cough from anyone, but particularly from someone so young and helpless. Though, a lesson here is to smile. It’s as if Mary hasn’t even noticed that she is sick, even when she is coughing or sneezing (or both!). She smiles right through it and seems to complain (or rather communicate) only about the usual things like hunger and being tired. I should be more like Mary.
Emily is wonderful! She is the right woman for me and the companion who I want to be with forever. She is so good to me and is a virtuous woman. She helps steer this family day to day and is a great support. Often I feel like I don’t return the favor well enough with the way I act sometimes. Despite that, I love and adore her. On a slightly different note, we are pretty sure she is pregnant. We weren’t trying to; rather, we were trying not to get pregnant. This was our most recent opportunity to exercise faith (to say the least) and find the Lord’s will. For me, I did not want to react or feel the same way as I did when Mary was on her way. Not to say I didn’t feel anything good, on the contrary, I was excited. However, there were also other things like fear, anxiety, worry, confusion, and others that drew me down from an ideal frame of mind. This time, I wanted it to be different and better. For Emily, I think it was a little harder. She has been struggling making enough milk for Mary for the last couple of weeks (before she knew she was pregnant) and was upset that her body wasn’t working right. However, with our discovery it came as a shock at first, but then transformed into a peaceful feeling. We actually had planned to attend the temple the day that we found out, and I received an impression. Having received similar impressions with Mary’s pregnancy and being wrong, I’m hesitant to state it for any other reason other than showing God that I’m trying to listen and respect what He says. The impression was that I had been given part of what to say for his baby blessing.
I copied Isaac’s entry, because I don’t feel enough energy to write it myself. Naturally, I am so happy that we will be having another baby! At the same time, am I ready for this? Physically? Emotionally? I suppose Father in Heaven believes so. That is good enough for me. Already I am feeling nauseous (not sick quite yet) and just ten minutes ago was the first heartburn attack. Even though I haven’t had it “officially” confirmed, I know that we are expecting! As far as I have been able to figure out, we may be due for the end of July or the beginning of August. I’ll write more about this later – time for bed.
Stay tuned for more of Emily's story on the blog in the next week!
If you have a question for Emily, please feel free to email us at mommytrack2@gmail.com and we'll make sure that Emily receives it.
umm this story is super interesting to me! can't wait to read the rest!
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