Continued:
December 4, 2012
Isaac, Mary, and I all have colds. This is not fun at all. Before I got sick, I kept telling Mary that I wish I could be sick in her place, but now that I am sick, and she is sick – I would much rather not be sick at all – nor her or Isaac for that matter. Yesterday, I went to the midwife office – we are pregnant for sure. I wasn’t sure if they would even be able to tell, because the sample I gave them looked just like water, because I have been drinking so much water. But they did – and we are. We are due on the 22nd of July. But since Mary was due on the 22nd of May, and was born on the 12th of May, perhaps this little one will do likewise! I definitely feel pregnant. Heartburn, and a lot of nausea. To top that, cold symptoms. I am not in good shape right now!! Maybe I should write a little later when my body isn’t so sick.
Remember, towards the beginning of this post, when I wrote that the option of putting Mary of formula just didn’t “feel” right to me? Well God knows best. Gosh darn it – why can’t I just learn to ALWAYS trust in the arm of God, and not the arm of flesh – to stop giving in to the “natural man”?! Well, as soon as I began supplementing with formula, Mary broke out in her first ever diaper rash, and had a never ending stuffy nose. I KNEW it was the formula. It’s highly processed stuff, and although it works great and is a life saver for hundreds of people…not for this natural mama! So I spent HOURS of research. Did you know that goat’s milk is the closest milk to human milk? And that the protein molecules found in goat’s milk is ¼ of the size as those found in cow’s milk, making it much easier to digest than cow’s milk? And did you also know that most formula is made up of cow’s milk proteins? Imagine that!
December 14, 2012
I feel a little better now, but I still have a stuffy nose and a persistent cough. We have been packing most of today, as we are moving to a different apartment here – a second floor apartment because they have a little more room, which is very nice, especially because we are having another baby. So far, this pregnancy is a little different. The morning sickness isn’t nearly as bad, and I have only taken Zofran a couple of times. Hooray! I hope this means that it’s a boy – but either way I will be extremely happy! A few days ago, we were immensely blessed. I was chatting with another girl in my ward who delivered her baby a month early. When her baby boy was born, he wouldn’t nurse, so she had to pump and feed him from a bottle. Now, he refuses to take a bottle and will only nurse from her, so she had all of this milk in her freezer that she wasn’t going to use. She offered it to me! So for the past few days, Mary has been drinking only breast milk! Her diaper rash is gone, and her stuffy nose is clearing up! I truly think that she is allergic to formula – at least the cow-based milk proteins in it or something. The extra breast milk will be gone soon. I have been looking for goat dairies in this area, but many of them aren’t selling goat milk at the moment because their goats are at the breeders. Tomorrow, on our way to Kaysville, we are stopping in West Jordan to pick up a “last” half-gallon of goat’s milk that one farmer has, and I am grateful for that – she is giving it to me for free.
Since that journal post, many other people offered their breast milk for us, which was an incredible blessing and tender mercy. We also found a great little farm that sold normal-and raw- goat’s milk, which Mary drank until she was 18 months old – once her four molars came in. Also another tender mercy. I am so grateful for the Lord, and that our prayers are answered in hard times, even when they aren’t answered in the ways in which we expect.
January 7, 2013
I feel like Mary is nursing for some of the last times from me. I wish I could nurse her longer, but I am drying up. I have enjoyed nursing my sweet little baby! This is the last time I will ever be able to nurse her. But my body is exhausted and needs to focus on making another baby. Mary is growing so much! She is as happy as can be, and loves attention and smiles. She is beginning to learn little games and learning how to flirt a little bit. She has learned how to sit and hopefully she will begin teething soon. She is the best at going to bed for naps and at night time. Last week, I decided that it is too hard for me to wake up in the middle of the nights to feed Mary, so that night, we were going to train her to sleep through the night. Lo and behold, there was no need to train her – she just did it! And she has been sleeping through the night ever since. It is truly a little tender mercy from the Lord. He loves us. Also, we don’t really give her a pacifier very often anymore, and the transition for that was very easy as well. I am wondering if the next baby will be a terror – Mary has been so sweet and easy to handle. She will be an amazing little Big Sister.
January 28, 2013
The end of January is drawing nigh! Time goes by so quickly! Mary has learned to click her tongue, and loves to do it! Today, she did something to her lip (I am not sure what), and it looks red and sore. She also refused to nurse from me this afternoon – I shed a few tears over that. I will try again tomorrow morning. Also our good friends, will be moving next month. One hard thing about living in a ward like this, is that people move in and out at a high speed rate, so when you are the one who is staying for a few years, you must learn to make new friends, and to say goodbye to the old friends. I suppose one day, we will be the ones saying goodbye for good! Today I cleaned the bathroom. I know – why mention it?! Well, it has needed it for a while, so it was a big accomplishment for me. Also, the baby began kicking this week! It is so exciting to feel life inside me again! Although, I must agree with my great grandpa Rex – those babies sure are easier to take care of inside than they are when they come out.
As soon as I feel like we’ve got something down, Mary (or life) throw us a curve-ball, and it seems like we must start all over again with training her to do something. I don’t know if I mentioned it before, but we have ceased to swaddle Mary. It was a little tough for her at first, but now she does pretty well. I usually have to go into her room to rearrange her blankets. Cute little thing. I love her so much. Also, today I wrote Isaac a letter. My plan is to write him a letter every week, and he doesn’t need to respond to them. I only ask that he keeps all of the letters I write him. I am excited to see what the future brings!!
It was heartbreaking for me to stop nursing my little baby. She was so young! Yet I was practically drying up, and nursing began to be a little painful, since there really wasn’t much of anything there. The bond between a mother and child while nursing is indescribable. And I had to make the choice to just stop it. It was so hard. I remember one quiet evening, I was sitting in the rocking chair – the room was dark and peaceful. Tears began to roll down my face as I quietly made the decision that this would be the last time I would nurse my little baby girl. In that moment, I felt like I was giving something to Christ. I was putting my life in his hands, and I was giving up a little bit of that pride that I mentioned earlier.
March 15, 2013
I haven’t written for a month! So much has happened, but I don’t think that I will be able to remember all of my important thoughts and experiences. I will try. First of all, I have had a humbling realization about my sweet baby daughter. Mary is very sweet and carefree and obedient and loving and patient. Whatever change comes to her life, she takes it in and rolls with it with no problem whatsoever. I thought that being a mother was about teaching a little person about the world and how you should be. I would have never thought that a little person like Mary would be the one teaching me about how I should be. She has only lived ten months on this Earth. This is proof that God loves me, and that Mary was created this way for a wise purpose. I always thought that she was this way because we taught her from the beginning to sleep well on her own, and have included order and love in her life. Although those things may have contributed, I know that her personality is her own, and it’s a little piece of our Heavenly Parents that is hers. She is naturally this way. Now, when I look at other babies, children, and even adults – I realize that we all have traits inherited from our Heavenly Parents, and I don’t judge as harshly. At least I am trying not to. That is one of my great weaknesses.
December 4, 2012
Isaac, Mary, and I all have colds. This is not fun at all. Before I got sick, I kept telling Mary that I wish I could be sick in her place, but now that I am sick, and she is sick – I would much rather not be sick at all – nor her or Isaac for that matter. Yesterday, I went to the midwife office – we are pregnant for sure. I wasn’t sure if they would even be able to tell, because the sample I gave them looked just like water, because I have been drinking so much water. But they did – and we are. We are due on the 22nd of July. But since Mary was due on the 22nd of May, and was born on the 12th of May, perhaps this little one will do likewise! I definitely feel pregnant. Heartburn, and a lot of nausea. To top that, cold symptoms. I am not in good shape right now!! Maybe I should write a little later when my body isn’t so sick.
Remember, towards the beginning of this post, when I wrote that the option of putting Mary of formula just didn’t “feel” right to me? Well God knows best. Gosh darn it – why can’t I just learn to ALWAYS trust in the arm of God, and not the arm of flesh – to stop giving in to the “natural man”?! Well, as soon as I began supplementing with formula, Mary broke out in her first ever diaper rash, and had a never ending stuffy nose. I KNEW it was the formula. It’s highly processed stuff, and although it works great and is a life saver for hundreds of people…not for this natural mama! So I spent HOURS of research. Did you know that goat’s milk is the closest milk to human milk? And that the protein molecules found in goat’s milk is ¼ of the size as those found in cow’s milk, making it much easier to digest than cow’s milk? And did you also know that most formula is made up of cow’s milk proteins? Imagine that!
December 14, 2012
I feel a little better now, but I still have a stuffy nose and a persistent cough. We have been packing most of today, as we are moving to a different apartment here – a second floor apartment because they have a little more room, which is very nice, especially because we are having another baby. So far, this pregnancy is a little different. The morning sickness isn’t nearly as bad, and I have only taken Zofran a couple of times. Hooray! I hope this means that it’s a boy – but either way I will be extremely happy! A few days ago, we were immensely blessed. I was chatting with another girl in my ward who delivered her baby a month early. When her baby boy was born, he wouldn’t nurse, so she had to pump and feed him from a bottle. Now, he refuses to take a bottle and will only nurse from her, so she had all of this milk in her freezer that she wasn’t going to use. She offered it to me! So for the past few days, Mary has been drinking only breast milk! Her diaper rash is gone, and her stuffy nose is clearing up! I truly think that she is allergic to formula – at least the cow-based milk proteins in it or something. The extra breast milk will be gone soon. I have been looking for goat dairies in this area, but many of them aren’t selling goat milk at the moment because their goats are at the breeders. Tomorrow, on our way to Kaysville, we are stopping in West Jordan to pick up a “last” half-gallon of goat’s milk that one farmer has, and I am grateful for that – she is giving it to me for free.
Since that journal post, many other people offered their breast milk for us, which was an incredible blessing and tender mercy. We also found a great little farm that sold normal-and raw- goat’s milk, which Mary drank until she was 18 months old – once her four molars came in. Also another tender mercy. I am so grateful for the Lord, and that our prayers are answered in hard times, even when they aren’t answered in the ways in which we expect.
January 7, 2013
I feel like Mary is nursing for some of the last times from me. I wish I could nurse her longer, but I am drying up. I have enjoyed nursing my sweet little baby! This is the last time I will ever be able to nurse her. But my body is exhausted and needs to focus on making another baby. Mary is growing so much! She is as happy as can be, and loves attention and smiles. She is beginning to learn little games and learning how to flirt a little bit. She has learned how to sit and hopefully she will begin teething soon. She is the best at going to bed for naps and at night time. Last week, I decided that it is too hard for me to wake up in the middle of the nights to feed Mary, so that night, we were going to train her to sleep through the night. Lo and behold, there was no need to train her – she just did it! And she has been sleeping through the night ever since. It is truly a little tender mercy from the Lord. He loves us. Also, we don’t really give her a pacifier very often anymore, and the transition for that was very easy as well. I am wondering if the next baby will be a terror – Mary has been so sweet and easy to handle. She will be an amazing little Big Sister.
January 28, 2013
The end of January is drawing nigh! Time goes by so quickly! Mary has learned to click her tongue, and loves to do it! Today, she did something to her lip (I am not sure what), and it looks red and sore. She also refused to nurse from me this afternoon – I shed a few tears over that. I will try again tomorrow morning. Also our good friends, will be moving next month. One hard thing about living in a ward like this, is that people move in and out at a high speed rate, so when you are the one who is staying for a few years, you must learn to make new friends, and to say goodbye to the old friends. I suppose one day, we will be the ones saying goodbye for good! Today I cleaned the bathroom. I know – why mention it?! Well, it has needed it for a while, so it was a big accomplishment for me. Also, the baby began kicking this week! It is so exciting to feel life inside me again! Although, I must agree with my great grandpa Rex – those babies sure are easier to take care of inside than they are when they come out.
As soon as I feel like we’ve got something down, Mary (or life) throw us a curve-ball, and it seems like we must start all over again with training her to do something. I don’t know if I mentioned it before, but we have ceased to swaddle Mary. It was a little tough for her at first, but now she does pretty well. I usually have to go into her room to rearrange her blankets. Cute little thing. I love her so much. Also, today I wrote Isaac a letter. My plan is to write him a letter every week, and he doesn’t need to respond to them. I only ask that he keeps all of the letters I write him. I am excited to see what the future brings!!
It was heartbreaking for me to stop nursing my little baby. She was so young! Yet I was practically drying up, and nursing began to be a little painful, since there really wasn’t much of anything there. The bond between a mother and child while nursing is indescribable. And I had to make the choice to just stop it. It was so hard. I remember one quiet evening, I was sitting in the rocking chair – the room was dark and peaceful. Tears began to roll down my face as I quietly made the decision that this would be the last time I would nurse my little baby girl. In that moment, I felt like I was giving something to Christ. I was putting my life in his hands, and I was giving up a little bit of that pride that I mentioned earlier.
March 15, 2013
I haven’t written for a month! So much has happened, but I don’t think that I will be able to remember all of my important thoughts and experiences. I will try. First of all, I have had a humbling realization about my sweet baby daughter. Mary is very sweet and carefree and obedient and loving and patient. Whatever change comes to her life, she takes it in and rolls with it with no problem whatsoever. I thought that being a mother was about teaching a little person about the world and how you should be. I would have never thought that a little person like Mary would be the one teaching me about how I should be. She has only lived ten months on this Earth. This is proof that God loves me, and that Mary was created this way for a wise purpose. I always thought that she was this way because we taught her from the beginning to sleep well on her own, and have included order and love in her life. Although those things may have contributed, I know that her personality is her own, and it’s a little piece of our Heavenly Parents that is hers. She is naturally this way. Now, when I look at other babies, children, and even adults – I realize that we all have traits inherited from our Heavenly Parents, and I don’t judge as harshly. At least I am trying not to. That is one of my great weaknesses.
I sure do wonder what this next little soul will be like though! I have never raised a boy! What will it be like? I had mostly sisters, so this will be an adventure. Isaac and I recently had a good, but difficult conversation. He and I view, understand, and feel spiritual matters differently. I don’t know if it was our different upbringings, or if it is just who we are and the trials we must face in this life. As he was speaking, the spirit must have opened up my mind and my heart to REALLY listen this time. It was a different kind of listening. My patriarchal blessing states that as I read about others or see the experiences of others, it will be as if I experienced them myself. This experience was one of the strongest of that. I was IN his shoes. I can’t explain it. My tears started rolling, and didn’t stop – I could feel what he felt, and knew what he must be going through and how he views the world. I could see and feel it, even though it was just for a moment. I know now that the way I have spoken to him about these things has been wrong all along, and although I don’t know how to bring these matters up still, I know that I need to do it differently and depend on the spirit to guide me, because it is more foreign territory for me. I am looking forward to developing this gift to listen with “different” eyes and ears.
April 1, 2013
A letter I sent to Isaac after my first night away from him, in Kaysville, while taking care of my grandma after her surgery:
April 1, 2013
A letter I sent to Isaac after my first night away from him, in Kaysville, while taking care of my grandma after her surgery:
"My dear husband,
My first night without you was, well, tough. At least at first! I went to bed at about 9:50. I was overcome with such a feeling of loneliness. With tears in my eyes, I prayed that I would be comforted and that I would feel at peace without you here by my side. I felt a little better. I lay there thinking about you for several moments before turning the lamp off. I realized in a very real way for the first time that you truly are an extension of me. With you gone, and not lying beside me, I knew that half of who I am was in Provo. I marvel at the feelings I had about my relationship with you and how wholly and completely I love you, and I really could NOT live without you. Somehow, I felt less protected, less brave, less myself. It’s not that I am in a dangerous place where I need protection, but I realized in that moment that you are really my other half, and life is easier to bear and much more joyous to experience with you beside me, holding me in your strong and comforting arms. I went to sleep, happy that I had you, and couldn’t imagine how I lived 20 years of my life without you!! At 10:30, Mary awoke with a scream- you know the one. I was VERY disoriented. I thought it was already morning, so I picked her up and took her upstairs and began to make a bottle. Whilst pouring the milk, I glanced at the watch. I couldn’t believe it! Well, she was of course watching me get her “leche”, so I had to give her some, but it wasn’t very much. I took her downstairs and put her in bed next to me. I thought that if she slept through the night next to me, I wouldn’t miss you as much. Well, it only took me a few minutes to figure out that idea was foolish. I put her back in her crib, and coaxed her to peace, and went back to bed.
At 11, she screamed again, and I went to give her the pacifier. I went back to bed and fell asleep.
At 11:30 ish, she screamed. Again, I comforted her.
Every twenty-thirty minutes after that, this pattern continued. It wasn’t until about 1:30am that I realized that I was bearing this burden completely alone, and how silly that was. I climbed into bed again, but this time, I prayed. I prayed to our Heavenly Father and expressed my feelings to him. I told him that I missed you, that I was tired, and that I truly am capable of going to Mary every thirty minutes to comfort her all night, if I had to. But then I asked him with all of my soul if he could send some angels to Mary to comfort her and to console her. I asked that she would receive peace and be watched over. It was a very simple prayer, but sincere. I knew that He would help me. I know I deserve to stay up all night with Mary – rather I don’t need to have a perfect baby, but the night was hard, and I needed help.
I did receive help. Mary slept and I was able to sleep. I was so grateful!! At 4:53 this morning, Mary awoke. That is the earliest she has woken up in a long time. Sluggishly, we went upstairs to make her bottle. I was feeling a little discouraged that, once again, I would not receive the sleep that I needed, and was feeling upset and confused as to why Mary was waking up earlier.
Once again, Heavenly Father blessed me with an angel. This time, a mortal angel, in the form of my little sister Hannah. Hannah came up the stairs and offered to hold and feed Mary. She wanted to change and dress her too. Immediately, I knew that Heavenly Father was taking care of me, and that he loved me. I know that help like this wasn’t always going to come, but it came this time, and I was certain of the source. I was able to shower and get ready for the day while Hannah cared for Mary. What a nice thing! It really helped my spirits.
It has been a wonderful day full of service to others. Although I love and long to be with you, and feel that I could get a lot done in our own home, I feel that Kaysville is the right place to be right now, and that I am doing a lot of good here. Everyone adores Mary, and she has remained busy and happy in her little ways. I just give her a little squeeze whenever I am missing you more than usual.”
At this time in my life and others since, I have had countless other moments when I have called upon the power of God to assist me – especially through motherhood. You will see it again when I tell the story of William’s birth!
Be sure to stop by again for part 3 of Emily's story!
If you have a question or comment for Emily, please email Olivia or Hillary at mommytrack2@gmail.com and we will be sure to get it to her.
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